Kwentong Mokong ni Alkapon

A man named Alkapon is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage, and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon Alkapon comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it, and Alkapon can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney, implying someone is home. Alkapon knocks on the door, and an old man answer, with a beard almost down to the ground.

The old man squints his eyes and says, " What do you want?" Alkapon says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: YOU CANNOT MESS AROUND WITH MY GRANDDAUGHTER." Alkapon, exhausted and hungry, readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning." The old Chinese man counters, "Okay, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Okay, okay," Alkapon says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?Well, that night, when Alkapon comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughetr is, made Alkapon hard. She is an absolute pearl, and while Alkapon has only lost three weeks, it has been many. many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, Alkapon sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. Alkapon creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that sexperience."Well, the next morning Alkapon wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign saying, "FIRST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: 100-lb. rock on your chest."
"What a lame torture test," Alkapon thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "SECOND WORST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: Rock tied to right testicle." Alkapon, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying, "THIRD WORST CHINESE TORTURE TEST: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
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